the benefits of being me

because i draw inhuman sometimes i wake up to notes from schizophrenics. not all the time, just sometimes. sometimes they’re unsolicited and are just saying thanks for the comic or whatever. most of the time they’re from people who are still on their meds so the letters are totally normal and lucid and you wouldn’t know except for the fact that they outright tell me they’ve been diagnosed as schizophrenic. i actually really like these notes cause they make me feel like i must be doing something right or at least empowering with my portrayal of it even though i don’t have it and the vast majority of my knowledge comes from book learnin’ and not brain pickin’.

but sometimes

sometimes i think some of them are skipping their meds 

i’ve been trying to open up dialogue with some guy who offered to talk about it with me (for the sake of accurate portrayal of emotions and all that) and so i asked him what he thought it would be like to be a schizophrenic off their meds in a good place. he first off told me his diagnosis (there’s many different subtypes of schizophrenia and grey’s old diagnosis was paranoid. in reality he’s probably undifferentiated because the paranoia was largely brought on by how he was being treated at the time BLAH BLAH) but then went on to describe it as "like a gold fish. euphoric."

…..

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
i don’t mean it in a ‘wtf’ way i mean it in a my mind was just blown way. WHAT COULD A GOLDFISH MEAN TO THIS GUY? does he mean the memory is shorter, like everything is always new? does he mean goldfish are beautiful to watch? does he mean they’re trapped swimming in circles? is his perception of a goldfish even remotely similar to my perception of a goldfish? are his symbolic associations even close to mine? is it just a piece of a word salad, should i disregard the use of the word goldfish and just focus on the euphoria thing?

my god i love glimpsing into different brains. different, not-neurotypical brains. it’s like watching a lavalamp or one of those crazy oil-on-water displays.  

03/27/12 at 7:19am
8 notes
  1. emmawriter reblogged this from not-fun
  2. cideon said: I find it funny that I was so tempted to ask you for suggestions on reading material regarding paranoid schizophrenia and different individual experiences with voices they hear, heh.
  3. not-fun posted this